Could You Be the Red Flag? Self-Sabotaging Behaviors That Block Healthy Love
- vibrantlovecoachin
- Jul 18
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 2
We’re quick to spot red flags in others. He’s emotionally unavailable. She’s inconsistent. They don’t communicate. And while those observations may hold truth, let’s be honest...how often do we stop to ask:
Could I be the red flag in my relationships?
Because sometimes, the most damaging patterns aren’t what someone else is doing, it’s how we show up when we’re afraid, disconnected from our values or still operating from old wounds.
This is about conscious dating, radical responsibility and the inner work required to build a healthy relationship - starting with yourself.
Blame Keeps You Powerless
It’s easy to fall into the trap of: They didn’t love me right. They ghosted me. They led me on.
And while you may have been mistreated, when we stay in the blame narrative, we unconsciously keep ourselves stuck.
True healing and empowerment begins when we ask ourselves:
🚩 Am I showing up in ways that go against my values?
🚩 Am I performing in relationships to be liked instead of being honest about what I need?
🚩 Am I allowing myself to be treated a certain way because I fear being alone?
Why Fitting In Feels Safer Than Standing in Your Truth
From a young age, we’re taught that fitting in is safety. We’re rewarded for being liked, agreeable, and “easy to get along with.” But here’s the science: Being socially rejected triggers the same areas of the brain as physical pain (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2003). No wonder we avoid rocking the boat in dating and relationships, it literally hurts.
So we blend in. We shape-shift. We choose connection at the cost of authenticity and this shows up in modern dating as people-pleasing, over-functioning or tolerating behavior that goes against our values.
People Pleasing: The Red Flag That Looks Like Love
One of the most socially accepted red flags is people pleasing and it’s one of the sneakiest ways we sabotage love.
🚩 Saying yes when you mean no
🚩 Smiling through discomfort to keep the peace
🚩 Prioritizing their happiness over your emotional truth
🚩 Avoiding conflict at all costs
🚩 Believing being "low maintenance" makes you more lovable
It looks generous on the surface, but it’s often driven by fear of rejection, abandonment or being seen as "too much."
This isn’t intimacy. It’s performance. And performance comes at the cost of real connection.
When Approval Becomes a Stand-In for Self-Worth
Another common way we block healthy, aligned relationships is by tying our value to someone else's approval.
🚩 If they like me, I’m worthy
🚩 If they stay, I’m lovable
🚩 If they choose me, I must be enough
But this dynamic makes your sense of self...fragile, dependent on their attention, not your truth.
We weren’t meant to earn love through perfection or pleasing. We were meant to receive love from a place of wholeness and alignment.
Signs You're Sabotaging Love
If you’re unknowingly pushing love away, you’re not alone. These are common signs you may be engaging in subconscious self-sabotage:
→ You Dismiss Green Flags
Healthy behavior feels boring or unfamiliar. You mistake calm connection for a lack of chemistry because chaos feels like home.
→ You Abandon Yourself to Keep the Peace
You silence your truth, over-give or agree to things that don’t feel right to avoid conflict.
→ You Chase People Who Don’t Choose You
You find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable or inconsistent partners and mistake the anxiety for passion. When your nervous system is stuck in fight, flight, or fawn, it’s easy to confuse activation with chemistry.
→ You Set Boundaries… But Don’t Hold Them
You declare your needs but don’t follow through when they’re crossed.
→ You Define Your Worth by Their Attention
You feel secure when they respond and spiral when they don’t - your emotional state is stuck in reactivity.
→ You Expect Love to Heal Your Wounds
You unconsciously hope that being chosen will fix your abandonment wounds or feelings of not-enoughness.
→ You Try to “Fix” Others to Avoid Facing Yourself
You become a caretaker, therapist or rescuer in love, focusing on their healing instead of your own.
How to Reclaim Your Power in Love
The first step to shifting your relationship patterns is choosing self-awareness over self-judgment.
✔️ Pause Before Reacting
Catch the moment when you’re about to betray your truth. Breathe. Ask yourself what your values would choose.
✔️ Name the Fear
Ask: What am I afraid will happen if I show up fully here? Is it rejection? Being misunderstood? Losing the connection?
✔️ Turn Inward, Not Outward
Instead of spiraling into What are they thinking? Ask, what am I feeling and what’s mine to own?
✔️ Validate Yourself
Affirm your needs, even when they feel inconvenient. You don’t need permission to honor yourself.
Emotional Intelligence Practice: The Spiral Check-In
This practice helps you reconnect to your body when you feel anxious, activated or stuck in a loop:
Find a safe space.
Place a hand on your chest or belly.
Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Repeat 3–5 times.
Notice what sensations are present - tightness, heaviness, fluttering, heat? And where do you feel it?
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling here?
What does this part of me need - safety, validation, permission?
Affirm gently: “This emotion is valid. You are here to protect me. I can stay with it and still choose myself.”
Journal Prompt
“What parts of me are still trying to earn love instead of receive it?”
Let your writing reveal where you’re still hiding, pleasing, or over-functioning and what it might look like to show up as your whole self instead.
Ready to Stop Sabotaging Love?
If this post struck a nerve, that means you're waking up to your own patterns. And from that awareness, everything can change.
✨ Book a free discovery call to explore how relationship coaching can help you stop self-abandoning and start attracting the conscious love you deserve.
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