How do you define love?

Most people think they know what love is. They say it’s trust, passion, partnership, commitment, feeling safe. But here’s the truth: we’re all working off different definitions and most of us don’t even realize it.

We assume our partner defines love the same way we do. We think they’ll express it how we expect to receive it. We get disappointed, confused, even resentful when they don’t. But it’s not always because they don’t love us, it’s because we never clarified what love means to each of us.

Defining what love means to you is one of the most powerful things you can do because clarity reduces confusion. When you understand your own attachment patterns — whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized — you begin to see the typical behaviors that come with them. For example, people who have an anxious attachment often jump to love before it's fully formed. The more awareness you bring to these internal patterns, the clearer your personal definition of love becomes.

Assumed Definitions of Love Create Relationship Misunderstandings

Let’s say one person defines love as:

• Frequent verbal affirmations

• Daily check-ins and prioritization

• Exclusive emotional focus

And their partner defines love as:

• Freedom and trust

• Presence over performance

• Shared experiences over constant contact

These two people may love each other deeply, but they’ll miss each other without clarity and communication. Defining what love means to you is one of the most powerful things you can do for your relationships and your own emotional freedom.

How to define love for yourself?

You might think you know. But let’s pause for a moment and actually ask:

“What does love feel like to me when it’s healthy?” “What makes me feel loved, seen, chosen?” “What do I believe love should do, and what might I be expecting that no one knows about?”

Your definition of love might include things like:

• Emotional intimacy

• Adventure and laughter

• Presence

• Shared values

• The ability to have hard conversations with respect

Or maybe it’s something else entirely. The point is, it’s yours to define.

We Use the Word ‘Love’ So Much, It Can Get Blurry

We say “I love this song,” “I love pizza,” “I love you”—all in the same breath.

Society throws the word love around so casually that it can lose its depth and clarity. And when one word is used for everything from romantic devotion to liking someone’s Instagram post, it’s no wonder we struggle to define what love really means to us.

It’s not that using the word broadly is wrong. It’s just that when it comes to intimate relationships, self-love, or conscious partnership, we need a more intentional definition. Otherwise, we’re left trying to build something sacred on a vague foundation.

You’re not wrong to feel confused because love is not one thing. It’s many.

The ancient Greeks named several kinds of love:

• Eros – passionate, romantic love

• Philia – deep friendship

• Agape – unconditional, spiritual love

• Storge – familial or parental love

• Ludus – playful, flirtatious love

• Pragma – committed, enduring love

Modern conscious relationships often aim for a blend of Eros, Philia, and Pragma but each person brings their own imprint, based on attachment style, family systems, values, and wounds. We often tangle them up or expect one person to fulfill them all. But recognizing the different shapes love can take, helps us honor the love that is there, instead of resenting what it isn’t.

Love Isn’t Just an Emotion—It’s a Drive

Here’s something that might surprise you: Love isn’t actually an emotion.

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, romantic love is a biological drive like hunger or thirst. It originates in the ventral tegmental area of the brain, part of the reward and motivation system. It’s driven by dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine.

So love isn’t just a soft, sweet feeling. It’s powerful, motivating, even obsessive. This explains why love can feel intense, why it overrides logic and why we sometimes confuse intensity with compatibility.

That means love is less about fleeting feelings and more about pursuit, craving, and focus. It’s not something we simply feel, it’s something that moves us toward connection, bonding and meaning.

When you understand love as a drive, it changes how you view your own patterns.

Understanding this can help you:

• Separate love from attachment wounds

• Stop romanticizing pain

• Become more intentional with who and how you love

  
  

What About Unconditional Love?

Unconditional love is often held up as the ideal; love with no limits, no terms, no requirements. But in practice, this can become dangerous, especially if we confuse unconditional love with unconditional tolerance.

Yes, it’s possible to love someone deeply, without conditions and still choose to walk away. You can hold love in your heart and hold a boundary at the same time. You can love someone and no longer make yourself available to their behavior. Both can be true.

That’s where love becomes conscious. Not reactive, not codependent but sovereign.

Some of us crave a fast-burning spark, while others are wired for connection that builds slowly over time. It can feel confusing, especially if your body reacts before your mind catches up but understanding your patterns makes all the difference.

A Wild Invitation

If you’ve never explored this before, here’s your invitation: Write your own definition of love. Not the one your parents showed you. Not the one your ex failed to give. Not the one that lives in the movies. Yours.

Instead of just asking “What is love?” try this step-by-step reflection:

1. When have I felt most loved?

   What were the moments that made me feel safe, seen, and valued?

2. When have I confused love with something else?

   Like control, approval, or safety?

3. What are my core values in love?

   Is it truth, growth, intimacy, freedom?

4. What do I believe love looks like in action?

   How do I express love? How do I want to receive it?

5. What beliefs about love am I ready to release?

   Like "Love means never being alone" or "Love should always feel good."

6. Now, try writing your own definition.

   Keep it simple, clear, yours.

And write it down. Put it on your fridge, on your bathroom mirror. Have talks with your friends, what does love mean to them? What is their definition?

My definition?

For me, love is truth.

It’s being brave enough to let someone fully see you.

It’s giving up the illusion of control and opening your hands instead. It's giving the other person the power to choose to accept you as you are, all the beautifully human parts and all. To be fully seen and chosen, there's freedom in that.

Love isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s shaped by our stories, values, wounds and desires. When we stop assuming and start defining, we shift from missing each other to meeting each other.

Share your definition in the comments, I'd love to read it!

Ready to turn this insight into action? Let’s talk. Book a free clarity call and start creating the life & love that matches your growth.

Not quite ready? Keep exploring conscious love tools and stories on the blog.

Visit Vibrant Love Coaching

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity.”

– Brené Brown