Emotions Are Normal, the Repair Is Part of the Respect

vibrantlovecoachin
Aug 18
5 min read

Updated: Oct 29

A few winters ago, I was driving with my 11-year-old niece and her brother when he suddenly got car sick. We were stuck in ski traffic, cars honking and had to pull over to clean up the mess. My niece began sobbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating and panicking...which only made the stressful situation harder. Her poor brother was sick and her mom and I were doing our best to manage.

Later that evening, after things had calmed down, she looked at us and said with surprising maturity: “Wow, I didn’t handle that very well at all.”

That’s emotional intelligence. Not the lack of reaction in the moment but the awareness afterward, the humility to own it and the choice to grow from it.

And that’s exactly what happens in our relationships. Emotions are part of being human. We will all have moments of overwhelm, reactivity or shutting down. The real respect comes not from being “perfect” in the moment but from how we repair afterward.

We sometimes treat emotions like unwanted guests, tolerating them until they leave, hoping they don’t make too much noise. But emotions aren’t a problem to be fixed. They’re information. They tell us where our values live, where our boundaries lie and where we might be feeling unsafe or unseen.

Emotions are information, not instructions.

In a healthy relationship, emotions are not the danger zone. Avoiding them is. What matters more than never getting upset is how you handle the moments after. The repair; the choice to come back together, to own your part, to listen and be heard, is where trust grows.

Repair isn’t about sweeping things under the rug or pretending nothing happened. It’s about taking the time to say, “I care enough about us to work through this.” That kind of respect builds emotional safety and emotional safety keeps love alive.

Believing in Our Shared Humanity

One of my core beliefs is that we are all humans having a human experience, doing the very best we can with the tools we have. I believe in the goodness of humanity, even when it gets messy.

And with being human comes emotion. Emotions can be powerful and they often feel even bigger when we’re stressed, tired, hungry or overwhelmed. These feelings are part of the natural rhythm of life, not signs that something is “wrong” with us.

What Repair Really Means

Repair is the process of turning toward each other after conflict, misunderstanding or hurt. It’s taking a breath, owning your part, listening to the other person and choosing to reconnect. It’s saying, “You matter to me more than this disagreement.”

Sometimes this means saying “I’m sorry” even when you didn’t mean to hurt them. If you accidentally stepped on a stranger’s toe, you’d apologize right away, not because you meant to cause harm but because you care that they’re in pain. It’s the same in love. You don’t want your partner, friend or family member to hurt, so you acknowledge their experience with kindness.

The Importance of Kindness in Conflict

Arguments are inevitable but they don’t have to become character attacks. Stick to the situation, the feeling and the behavior — not the person’s worth or identity. Criticizing character creates shame and shame blocks connection.

Examples of Character Attacks and What to Say Instead

Character Attack	What to Say Instead
“You’re so selfish.”	“When you made plans without checking in, I felt left out.”
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”	“I’d appreciate it if you could consider my perspective before making decisions.”
“You’re just like your father/mother.”	“When you raise your voice, I shut down.”
“You’re impossible to love.”	“When we argue like this, I feel disconnected from you.”
“You’re lazy.”	“When chores pile up, I feel stressed and unsupported.”

When we attack someone’s character, we trigger shame and defensiveness and shut down real communication. When we speak about behaviors and feelings instead, we invite understanding and repair.

Kindness in conflict builds trust, even in disagreement.

The 911 Emergency Question

And here’s the part many couples forget, repair doesn’t always have to happen in the heat of the moment.

Find what works best for both of you. I like to ask myself, “Is this a 911 emergency?” If not, you have permission to take time to breathe and recalibrate before working through it.

If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, dissociating or flooded, take a 5-minute break. Step away, do some slow breathing and calm your nervous system before coming back in “repair mode.” But make this known to your partner, don’t just storm away. Say, “Hey, I need to take 5 minutes to clear my head and then let’s return to this conversation.”

Check Your State Before You Repair

Ask yourself:

Are we both fed?
Are we in a good emotional space?
Did we get decent sleep?
Are we free from immediate work or family stress?

The state you’re both in matters as much as the words you choose. Repair is most effective when you’re both grounded enough to hear each other.

Your Emotions Are Valid, But They Don’t Drive the Car

Your emotions are valid but they don’t get to be the driver. You can feel angry without yelling, sad without withdrawing, frustrated without attacking. Emotions are information, not instructions. They’re signals to pay attention to something but they don’t dictate how you show up.

When you remember that, you reclaim your choice in the moment. You can feel big feelings and still choose to respond in a way that honors your values, protects your relationship and moves you toward repair instead of more damage.

Stop and Check In With Yourself

We all have pasts and those pasts tend to reel their ugly heads when we’re upset. Old wounds can surface quickly in the middle of conflict, making us react to our partner as if they’re the person who hurt us before.

A powerful practice is to pause and check in with yourself before responding. Ask:

Am I reacting to my partner or to my past?
What story am I telling myself right now?
What do I actually need to feel safe and heard?

Then gently remind yourself: “My partner loves me. They are safe.”

This simple pause can shift you out of reactivity and into repair. It helps you anchor in the present moment instead of letting old wounds drive the conversation.

My Story: Learning to Hold Pain Without Losing Myself

As an independent woman, one of the hardest lessons for me has been apologizing for things that weren’t my fault or holding space when my husband was reacting to something in the present that was really rooted in his past. In those moments, it has felt like my spirit was being broken, like I was broken.

What we’ve learned together is that neither of us wants to hurt the other, even when past pain surfaces. So we made an agreement: when one of us is triggered by old wounds, the other doesn’t have to hold all of that weight. Instead, we say:

“I see you are in pain and I don’t want you to hurt. How can I help?”

This simple statement shifts us out of blame and back into compassion. It reminds us that we’re on the same team and that the past doesn’t get to control our present connection.

Final Thought

Next time you or your partner feel big emotions, remember: the goal isn’t perfection, it’s connection. Emotions are normal and the repair is the respect your relationship deserves. It’s amazing the power of a hug in the middle of an argument. If you take one thing away from this article, let it be this: always turn toward your partner. The moment you feel like turning your back is the moment it matters most to stay, reach out and remember you’re on the same team.

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